Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
