some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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