dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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