I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
