Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
