I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
