I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
