my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
