you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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