I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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