Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
