a queef is a wish your heart makes.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
