Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
