Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
