I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
