I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
