Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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