mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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