I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
