I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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