glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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