Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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