I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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