You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
