**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
