I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I just found puke in my bra..
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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