conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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