I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
