Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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