he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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