i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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