I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
