So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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