I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
