So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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