How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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