someone get that fucking seahorse.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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