my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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