There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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