Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
