its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
