mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
