Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
