His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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