We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
