my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
