have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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