My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
