I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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