my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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