He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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