I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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