I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
