hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
