I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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