I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
