you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize