If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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