it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
