I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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