I got chris browned last night
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
