I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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