This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
