Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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